Life is an Adventure

That is my thought for tonight as I’m sitting here thinking about writing this blog post.

The last few months have been a roller coaster for our family.  A lot of highs–starting homeschooling, Aaron finding a perfect job, finding a new house that we love, meeting new people, building a core group for our new house church, getting to spend a lot of time with my parents.  And there have been a few lows–sadness about moving and leaving friends, mortgage issues that we still have not gotten worked out, and now major stress due to my new job.

It has been an extremely emotional week for me.  I have been physically, emotionally and mentally BURNED OUT.  I think the stress of the last few months has finally caught up with me and it really came to a head last week when I had an “a-ha” moment:  I hate my new job.  I had a gut feeling about this job from the very beginning and I didn’t listen to it.  I had a bad feeling the very first week on the job.  And then last week after working my second consecutive night shift, I got in my van and bawled my eyes out all the way home.  I got home, slept awhile, woke up for lunch and then bawled my eyes out again–this time making myself physically sick in the process.

I can’t recall a time when I have been so emotionally distraught.  I don’t really know how to explain it.  Have you ever felt like you found your calling in life?  Your passion.  Your one thing that kept you going?  Well, I honestly wouldn’t call nursing my passion.  But as far as my nursing career goes, Home Health is my passion.  I am a Home Health nurse.  I am not a bedside nurse.  I am not a physician’s office nurse.  I am a Home Health nurse.  It is what I know, it is what I love.  And I feel like my love for nursing is being squelched because I am not pursuing my love for home health now.

During the course of my orientation I have had several people ask me where I used to work.  I always get the same response when I reply “home health”.  They all say, “Oh.  Did you like that?  I hated that in nursing school.”  And my response every time has been, “I loved it!”.

And it’s true.  I do love it.  I love the patients.  I love the independence.  I love being needed and wanted and feeling like I make a difference.  I loved when patients would ask for me again and again when they were readmitted to home health.  I loved being told that I was “like a part of the family” by a patient’s family that I had cared for for 3 years.  I loved having the respect of not only my patients and my peers but of physicians.  About 98% of my home health interactions with physicians were positive.  The hospital is a whole other story.

So I have made a decision.  I am going to start job hunting–again.  I thought it might just take some time but I had a very crappy evening at work last Thursday and it made me realize why I left hospital nursing in the first place.  I spent a good part of my shift trying to fight back tears and when I wasn’t able to fight them back I went to the bathroom and let them out.  I am physically feeling sick at the thought of having to return to work on Thursday night.  I have never felt this way about a job….ever.  I don’t know how I am physically going to be able to work in this position much longer.  I feel really bad continuing with my orientation when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not staying in this position.  However, if I tell my supervisor I know her response will be that I should just go ahead and leave now and stop wasting their time and their money.

But for now, I will put on a happy face.  Go to work as usual and on my days off I will be job hunting.  I have started e-mailing a few places and have the phone number of another that I am calling tomorrow.  I am also going to try and set up a meeting with my nursing recruiter to talk to them about what is going on.

In the midst of all the stress, I know that tomorrow is going to be a fantastic day.  My mom and the girls and I are packing up and taking off for the beach!!!  We are staying the night and I am sooooo looking forward to it.  I need a break.  I need time to just sit with my feet in the sand and think and pray.  I know that God has something better out there for me and I trust Him that He will lead me to that something better!

In the meantime, keep me in your prayers as I try to sort this all out.  I have been terribly homesick this weekend and Annagrace was also homesick tonight as well.  She’s having a hard time dealing with Dad being gone to work all day and Mom having to leave at night.  She has had to adjust to so many changes and this is the first time that I have seen her upset about it.  I felt so badly for her!  This trip to the beach is coming at the perfect time!

3 Responses to “Life is an Adventure”

  1. 1 Wendy June 2, 2009 at 10:50 am

    Oh no…your blog made me tear up. I had a job once that I hated just as much. It is a horrible, sicking, feeling. I will be praying for God to open another door for you!! Miss ya!! Wendy

  2. 2 Melissa June 3, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    I am echoing your thoughts today about life being an adventure. Today was a very emotional day for me. I have been feeling very lost and unfocused and overwhelmed and completely and totally unsure about what direction I am in heading in. The worst part, I have been holding it all in and not really telling anyone how I have been feeling. It all kinda broke loose today when I was talking to to my trainer and I finally voiced all of those fears and frustrations. He did an awesome job, talking to me, helping me to refocus and encouraging me to spend a good bit of time in prayer about it. And later, I ended up spending a good long time in prayer just crying my eyes out. I am not a fan of change and there are so many changes going on in my life and I am just not sure what to do some days. So, in a way, my emotional breakdown was good because it made me sit down and refocus on my ultimate goal…living for Him. All the rest will fall into place if I am doing that. And though I may not be able to see the path ahead of me, I know He is in control and guiding me every step.

    Still praying for you and your family! I know God is going to work it all out, just like He did when He moved you all down there! Hope you had a great time at the beach!!

    • 3 lsaufley June 4, 2009 at 12:25 pm

      Thanks for sharing that Melissa. I am usually a fan of change–I like being on the go, new adventures, not knowing what’s ahead. But I guess with SO MUCH change lately it is really getting to me. I agree that everything will fall in to place if we focus on the right person–not ourselves but Jesus. That is great advice and I need to listen to it. I am praying that He leads you and me where we need to be and that we listen to Him when He does!!!

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June 2009

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